I’m NOT so strong…18May16

Hey all, so this week I was back at Chemo (Friday afternoon) and instantly I remembered how much I hated it. I had 4 weeks break since the previous chemo session and I was feeling so human and upbeat and energised. Especially having toned down the exercise and working less hours or I should say normal hours. So as soon as I had one chemical going in, I felt the difference, the taste that makes you want to vomit or just feel ill. It happens pretty much instantly, which I still can’t get over. Considering the first thing they give you is a pill for nausea.

So I’m mentally struggling this week, for some reason the sore tongue and jaw and mouth is back. Something I thought was a thing of the past since the Bleo chemical had been dropped, but its back with thrush also, YAY for me, what a horrible word, but the nurse has given me some mouthwash and drops for it – for a week I thought my tongue was black from a glass of red wine I had, but apparently not. The mouth pain is not severe, just enough to feel miserable. Monday at work was pretty tough, I popped my headphones in and sat somewhere different to not be distracted so badly. I sent an email to my teammates saying, sorry I don’t feel well pls excuse my quietness. I dragged my arse into the office but wish I had stayed at home instantly. The walk over there at least was something.

Being positive is a struggle right now, well actually that’s kind of ok, it’s the constant comments I’m getting from people that ‘you look so well and healthy’ or ‘you must be finished treatment by now’ and 'it must be getting easier' or my favourite ‘you are so strong’. I feel now that I’m getting to the end in sight that I have to continue the façade of pretending i'm feeling good, and looking good with makeup and a wig and drawing on eyebrows. I actually feel the need to prove to people it hurts and I’m not better yet but then I try to snap myself out of that. I think I’m just over it. But I like to think I am an inspiration….to be honest everyone else around me is inspiring, I don’t see myself that way, but I do understand what they mean. I try to.

As you can tell, I’m getting frustrated since my latest chemo, I don’t want to be social and I don’t want to have to tell people how I’m going this late in the game. So I’m avoiding the conversation.

Reading this back it is so negative, but needs to come out. I am over it...my body is aching today which is again something i had forgotten since a month ago, I had today as unpaid leave as my usual 2^nd Wednesday and went for a massive couple hour walk around Sydney harbour and domain and Barangaroo. Such sore legs now. Gary has gone away for work and all i'd like to do is have a glass of Shiraz and sit and relax but wine tastes like crap and food isn't much better. I wouldn't waste my money on good food right now. 

BUT IT'S NOT ALL DOOM AND GLOOM – if you look at the amazing Facebook posts I’ve put up on Sunday I have something to pep myself up with. I have the negative over and done with, I feel better. Now let’s move onto the best part of the last week!

21 people ran in the Sydney SMH Half Marathon on Sunday in my honour! That is amazing J I could NOT stop smiling all Sunday. Plus Dad and Wendy stayed for it in support which was super fun. I was exhausted from all the people interaction and got a little tired and cranky a few times but absolutely loved the weekend.

Everyone who ran did brilliant times, they enjoyed themselves and we crashed the Irish pub afterwards with a few ciders and sweaty armpits. I had people from Melbourne fly up for it, Wollongong and all over Sydney.  The support was a little confronting and overwhelming – I actually feel really guilty about their efforts and the amount of people who have donated. I feel like the hashtag is self-indulgent and that I shouldn’t be making such a big deal about all of this. Considering so many people go through it or have.

My father is amazing, he couldn’t be more supportive and aware of my needs right now. Wendy has been great sending me messages and supporting dad. We had lunch with Wendy’s son and his girlfriend and family, which was great fun on Saturday, and they were lovely to hang out with.

The only other news is my digestive system completely packed it in over the weekend and I was in the most uncomfortable bloated discomfort ever. It has gone from one extreme to the other with antibiotics and then back onto chemotherapy.

Coloxyl and Senna are currently my best friends!

Some pics below to show you my week in pictures. 

the joys of having
chemo induced thrush

sore tongue

this is my current daily food
consumption due to sore mouth

the awesome gals who ran for
#teammez from work distributer #LOVE

the team from work and friends WOW

my #teammez sexy ladies!

new jumper ordered in from US,
so comfy and ready for winter 

this is my current antibiotic -
lovely yellow liquid 2 times
a day after eating. Tastes amazing! NOT

Hospital visit again…Allergic Reaction

Nothing too drastic, no admission or tubes or poking and prodding. 

This morning I awoke with quite a rash all over my stomach, neck to top of thighs. I rang my Dr and he fit me in at his Royal North Shore for a quick look. He said I’ve had an allergic reaction to the antibiotic, 7-10 days after treatment starts is usually when things like this happen, so he wasn’t totally surprised. He has changed my treatment for the next fortnight changing to another antibiotic not in stock so I have to pick it up tomorrow, this will allow time to keep treating but he wants me back on the other AB as it’s the best treatment. Although in saying that, he spent 1.5 hours with the infectious unit and respiratory Dr determining that they still don’t know what infection I had – but nevertheless – he will change treatment for now, go through the next chemo and then refer me to a Dr who can build my immunity to Bactrim so I can go back on it. Apparently they give me small doses, build up my tolerance and then put me back on it for the remainder of the treatment and beyond chemo for a while. Like the flu shot concept really.

Dr Arthur didn’t recognise me with my blonde wig on…haha. And he has asked me to take photos of the rash. So I’ll make sure they are not uploaded to the cloud. J

So yes, I’m having wine tonight.

Back in the office today was nice, seeing my colleagues, chatting with my favourites, but no contact. I’m not risking their germs…I also stuck to my, do what work you can get done the rest can wait to tomorrow. There is always more to do. There will always more to do, I changed the way I organised my emails to make sure I focussed on the most important incoming emails and dealt with priorities that way.

Exciting news for those who saw my Facebook. We have booked Singapore Grand Prix for September, something I wasn’t sure of but I am so happy Gary insisted on just booking it anyhow. 5 days in Singapore watching Formula One, drinking, eating, being in the sweltering heat and no work sounds heaven. So we are off again. 2^nd time for me, 3^rd time for Gary. Now let’s see if the boys (hint hint) now book their trip.

BTW Kenny/Paul….YOLO!!!! Trust me, if you can say yes to something….say yes! You seriously only live once. Just fkn do it…you could die tomorrow.

If there is one thing in life that annoys me, it’s the umming and arrghin over should I? If you can afford it, want it, think you want it, have the opportunity to do it, just do it. The only thing that could happen, is regretting you didn’t do it.

That’s all for today peeps. I’m tired, I’m bored of the Dr visits, I have no fitness motivation like I used to, I miss Sun and her PT sessions, I get sad just thinking about waking up and not being able to just be energised, and I just want to go and have cocktails and feel pretty and have ridiculous fun and know that I can back it up the next day without feeling flat and sad, I look forward to the 2^nd half of this year. And I’m a bit sick of telling myself just get through the next few months…. I find it hard to hang onto the inner strength I had a couple of months ago…I have to be very selective who I am around now to keep fresh and happy.

Thank you to everyone who have told me my blog is exciting, because it is helping me a lot. 

Chemo postponed...and eyebrows be gone! oh and don't forget the Bootcamp

So change of plans on Friday morning. 

A scheduled appointment with Dr Arthur meant I spent an hour discussing how my recovery was going and if he thought chemotherapy after a week of antibiotic treatment was a good idea. I reiterated, ‘I’m strong, tough and mentally prepared to just get it done today’ but he discussed with respiratory Dr and she suggested another week of treatment and recovery before hitting my body with the chemicals again. Even with the intense strength of antibiotics I’m having, the chemo will lower my immune system especially in conjunction with one of the medications which will lower my immune system. 

I could have swayed him to be honest, he felt bad for me and suggested I ‘looked disappointed at delaying chemo’ but I reiterated ‘you are the qualified one here to make a judgement not me’. Dr Arthur likes to listen to his patients and take their judgement of how our bodies feel, what can we cope with, what is too much etc. But I needed to take his guidance, because I’ll often make a call that ends me in pain or stress just because I don’t believe in excuses. The way I was raised really, don’t complain, hard work is normal and physical pain is just something that comes after hard work and determination. So after Dr Arthur felt bad for me, I told him I’d not even care when I left his office and would be back next week.

We discussed a lot including another CT Scan to be booked, a visit to respiratory Dr to check lungs are back to clear and that my bowels are inflamed from antibiotics. I have no pain, but my mouth is slimy and dry cracked lips from antibiotics, I probably won’t be able to give blood in the future, I can’t get my 6 monthly teeth cleaned until after treatment, the results from the cultures and bronchoscopy were negative to PCP that he thought I had, which puzzled him – but treatment is working so let’s focus on that. I don’t care what I had, I care how I feel.

So back home I went and went back to work. Until next Friday Chemotherapy monster!

In other news, I looked in the mirror randomly this week and noticed “eyebrows be gone” I am hanging onto a couple on both sides like a bad comb over equivalent, but my eye lashes also hardly have anything to put mascara onto. So it’s pencil liner all the way for the brows. Gosh I hope they grow back.

I was meant to go to Melbourne on Thursday but I have postponed as I don’t want to have one day away with an already busy week, plus I think a plane full of potential germs isn’t my idea of playing it safe at the moment.

So THE EXCITING NEWS is Sarah’s ex PT Trainer Frankie (DeltaFit) and I are planning a Charity Bootcamp on the 28^th May under the harbour bridge at Bradfield Park Kirribilli. We are aiming for $1000 on the day which equates to 50 people. We have sponsors on board and Frankie and I are super keen for this so i'll be possibly asking alot of favours from friends. With the people I know, Sez knows, Frankie knows and beyond I believe we can do it!

This would take me up to over $3,000 money raised for Lymphoma!

So if you read this and want to come along please check it out and register via the button on DeltaFit's website and find 28^th May Charity Bootcamp and register. It should be a lot of fun and although I’m so scared of it being a flop or a non-event, I’m determined to make it great. I love it when hard work pays off and people jump on board other people’s passion!

Hope to see more than 50 so pls spread the word, my facebook posts were all updated plus loads of friends sharing it so jump on board!

http://www.lymphoma.org.au/page/1135/merrilyn-gardiner-charity-bootcamp-

Lesson in not needing to be a Hero - 5th May

It’s been a blessing having Sez with me this week at home while Gary travels for work. You know I can deal with moving around the house and walking to woolworths when I need to but geez sometimes just taking Stewie outside for a pee pushes me over the edge like I’ve been to the Gym. Thank fully Sez, Gary and any other visitors do this for me the majority of the time. It’s a small thing, but means massive amount to me. I made dinner for Sez and I using my vegetti utensil and my arms were aching after. Those carrot and zucchinis take some shredding.

This week is all about back at work aka emails, the lounge, blanket, Buddha digital radio, coffee which currently tastes disgusting but I push through one cup (and the 2^nd usually goes cold before I finish it because I just can’t bare the taste) water and diet sprite…these are getting me through. Oh and did I mention Gary’s amazing vegetable soup? I’ve been eating it every lunch and dinner for the nutrition and yum factor. I need to eat more of it because I lost 3 kg in the last week. Not something I expected, however all the antibiotics and pills I’m taking have affected my mouths taste worse than chemotherapy side effect. Bazaar. Don’t even get me started on a toilet conversation….(changing subject).

Not being a hero is something I picked up from my work colleague. Sweet kind and super thoughtful, I heard her say this a couple of months ago and stole it and have decided it’s going to help me get through the next 2 months with not pushing myself. So I’m not being a hero with working 24/7 and I’m not having to exercise every day, I don’t need to be in the office to be seen, I don’t need to attend meetings to be productive. None of these matter if I’m only hanging on to feeling 'well enough'. Lesson for everyone not just my situation but of course I will always try my hardest with everything I do, just not to prove I’m some kind of hero.

Basically I’m taking everything a bit more serious. But of course only with my health, life’s too short to take seriously. So with diet/health and work/life balance beginning to come under control….next is a hobby! OMG this will take me a while…

When I returned home, I checked the mailbox and I had received a singlet from Lymphoma Australia! This was for raising over $250 for the SMH Half marathon. I wear with pride the below! 

I am becoming quite good friends with the Lymphoma support group...and get excited...because i have a surprise for my next blog update. Something I'm arranging for even more fundraising and support during May!

Highlight of my day? I caught up with Jo, an amazing human being, compassionate, thoughtful, super smart, georgous and not only inspires me across many levels but she reminds me that life is amazing to live and she makes the most of it - a passion we share but i forget during this journey on my bad days!

Chemo tomorrow.... :-( 

2nd May – Home Day!

I knew there was something I loved about this ward, 2 rules the nurse said. 1. No flowers, 2. No children under 12. Um…I think these rules were written for me personally. People always send too many flowers, even though when I get them I love them, but logistically they are annoying sometimes plus they seem just something people react to much too quickly. Depends on my mood i guess. Tulips are different, there is always a time and a place for Tulips!

I’ve used every last gig of my phone plan streaming Housewives of Melbourne, so Telstra I’ll need some more pls! HCF paid for my tv, but I can’t say I watched much of it J Not a lot to choose from except the lego movie on repeat. ‘everything is awesome’ (thanks to Sez visiting) is all I can hear now.

I texted Gary early who is at the airport, so bummed I won’t see him when I get home until Thursday evening. Having a few days to himself at home I hope has been at least reprieve from a few things.

I was actually pretty excited about breakfast this morning, I think that’s why I was up and awake from 5:30am, ABC news on, coffee from the patient kitchen ready for Muesli AND Scrambled eggs. First time I ordered a hot breakfast. The things you get excited about right J I quickly got unexcited about the eggs when I got them.

I popped out of my door at the end of the corridor, there is a window overlooking St Leonards. The window is so warm, I leaned against it and drifted out of body for a moment. Quickly coming back as someone pushed their Nurse Call buzzer which rings out everywhere.

I headed up to cardio unit for an echocardiogram – the machine shut down from overheating towards the end, so he had to blow some dust of it and power it back up. Then nearly pulled my port out my chest taking the chest pads off. Painful moment avoided. They found some fluid on the lungs but the heart seems fine. Heart murmur still there, my littles spastic valve trying to beat away! So the registrar said they will prepare me going home if Dr Arthur is happy after an x-ray of my chest.

Ok, so I think I horrified my respiratory Dr, and the Haematology Registrar, both thinking I’m mad for wanting to run 7km in 2 weeks’ time. Although advising, your body will tell you, I’m Mez and my body only tells me ‘do more’, so I’m going to do something that makes me teary even typing it….I’m going to take the Dr’s horrified face, implant that into my memory combine it with the memory of this entire week just gone and that I have re-prioritised AND pull out of the SMH Half Marathon. I’ll be there as a support person of course and wave the #teammez flag as people run past. I hate doing this, it was something I really wanted to prove to myself that I could do during Chemotherapy, when a lot of people can’t do in normal healthy life. I’m very disappointed. In my body, in my mind and I hate that I got Cancer!

*Warning: Going into depression mode for a minute*

I need to find my purpose for this whole thing….that will put me back on track. I think I’ve exhausted google images “inspiration for people with cancer”. Now to eat the words I’ve posted on FB and Instagram!

I finally escaped this place at 6pm - after waiting 2 hours for my take home meds, unexpectedly eating dinner, and dying to get into the fresh air and cab home.

I now have 20 pills to take daily for antibiotics, steroids, another antibiotic, folate tablets for vitamin B, panadol. 

Thank you to Sez for being home for me tonight and looking after Stewie, i really don't feel well. 

1st May 2016 – Penultimate Day?

CHEMOTHERAPY - LETTER R for (he is grasping at straws for this but I love it) Retro Records! Yes he bought me an MP3 player to replace the last 2 I’ve lost on planes. This one came early because of being in hospital. Presents left include ‘APY’ good luck Gary with Y! That’s a tough one.

My best sleep yet in here, and both times I was in dream land it was ‘knock knock vitals check’ I think we should just have to leave an arm out and they don’t need to wake you hahaha. Not sure how that would work with the temperature check but I didn’t work all of it out. I woke thinking "only one more sleep" Yippee. Which no different to my situation, is something you usually count down to an upcoming trip or exciting event you have been waiting ages for.

Biggest things I’ve missed? Sharing my bed with Gary, Stewie and walking! I’m going to sleep standing up from now on I think. But I have spent time doing things I generally don’t at home, like updating my blog finally, emailing my family overseas, colouring in and updating my social media on @ozwwcwc my new support group for women battling cancer without children who a career focussed as I feel there is something i can talk about first hand. So I’ve been productive.

It’s raining outside so I’m not missing anything out there. I’ll enjoy my last day of life contemplation before back to some kind of life tomorrow.

I moved after lunch to the Hematology ward 8E. Again my own room, another isolation type of room, but this one has a mini bar fridge! Bonus. It’s nice and private, but then you do have to wonder what our bodies have the ability to do and expose others to, is pretty scary.

I’ve refocused my time now onto reading anti-cancer by Dr Servan-Schreiber. My aunty gave it to me, and it focuses on the healthy side of preventing cancer. ‘A new way of life’ which is exactly what I’m currently searching for on all levels. Lifestyle, food, cut back on cancer promoters and eat LESS sugar (as I finish a chocolate).

I never wanted learn much about all of this, the cancer, the preventers, the promoters etc, but diet and health will always interest me as it should everyone. I was so healthy before this happened, so it isn’t ALL lifestyle. Unless red wine causes cancer then I’ll die very young :-) BUT I think we can take tips from someone who has spent years studying along with his experience and gather some tips from it.

Sat outside for a while, besides almost losing my gown from the wind, I also couldn’t really open my eyes from the sun, I decided perhaps my bed is a better idea.

Now that I’m another ward, they clamped by portacath and I no longer have my robot SBU. he has left my side, for now I’m free. Well free to sit in bed and wait.

Gary and Sarah did their daily visit and chat. Cup of tea of course and home. i get home tomorrow and Gary flies to Melbourne and hobart so ill see him Thursday night. Not ideal, but life. Sez is my housewife for the rest of the week I've been ordered!

My dear neighbour the Entertainer

No hope of me being bored when i was in the Burns Unit when ‘Patricia’ is awake. I just heard her singing “I’ve got a cannula, I’ve got a cannula….” On repeat to herself. She has upgraded from talking to herself to singing now. At least she is entertaining herself.

The last Dr dressing her leg said he had to go but he would be round, she asked round like what? He replies like a rissole…but she said they are kind of flat not round, round like a wheel is better. Dr – you’ve been told!

After yelling out for the nurse for 20 minutes asking where has everyone gone?? The nurse arrived, and she instantly said oh sorry did I yell too loud? Funny! There’s more I could write back I haven’t been keeping track, should have though, it would have given me great content for me blog. I hope she gets better soon. 

April 30th – Welcome to Planet Bored and hospital food..

Now that I was feeling well enough that i could be recoveringat home - although we still don't know what kind of infection it is until Monday's results et back - I started to dislike the room and this bed, but Gary brought my colouring books, music on a usb for me to set up my new MP3 player he gave me for my next chemo treatment (which is cancelled until further notice) so I loaded it up, played some Dolly Parton and began colouring in. I managed to escape. 

I also found out, after offering the nurses chocolates unsuccessfully, that there is a veranda attached to the ward, so when Gary came back from his non visiting hour period, we went out and enjoyed the warm fresh air. I wouldn’t have been well enough to do it anyway until today, but I did think I’d been missing out the entire few days not knowing about this.

 It will be my special outing for tomorrow! Sez my angel and Gary spent dinner with me and headed off so I could settle in for the night. Crazy Saturday Night plans!

I did ask Dr Arthur about the upcoming SMH half marathon that I was running in 2 weeks’ time, after ab bit of umming and arrrghhing, he said ask respiratory Dr and take their judgement. I don’t think there is much chance, but perhaps if I promise to not challenge myself. Then again, as I said to Dr Arthur, we are talking about me! Challenge is the only way I know that makes me feel good about myself..

April 29th – Blood pressure Alert!

So the temperature is all under control, but next is project lower blood pressure! Everyone was in a frenzy about my blood pressure, constant monitoring, 2 different machines and both arms, then a manual machine which all showed BP of in the 90’s. Drink more water! They said to me, I tried and must have pee’d 5 times that night, but managed to have it come up to 110 in the morning and my Nurse Lucie, actually nearly high fived me she was so excited. She did actually do a little dance when she checked back in to make sure it was still level. Amazing nurse. They all are amazing.

April 27th – 38.2 temperature – next stop Emergency Mr Cab Driver!

I hit the gym at 745am, lasted 13 lunges before I went into a fit of coughing. Ended up heading downstairs and doing some machine leg work for an hour. All I could cope with. I headed home ready for a day of Quarterly Business Reviews for work where I would stand up and do my presentation I’d spend 1.5 days and lots of caffeine completing. When I got home gary pestered me for 15 minutes “check your temperature” sure sure but it will be fine. 38.2 was on the screen after the beep and I had to google the ‘go to hospital’ figure again because I had in my head – surely 40 is the bad figure not 38 – but I rang the Northern Cancer institute and she advised go to hospital. So I did! In a cab 15 minutes later!

When I got there they admitted me immediately under category 2, straight into a bed with loads of suction pads taking all my vitals, I had a temp of 37.9 then, resting heart rate of 122, oxygen below 90 so I went onto oxygen tube and liquids/antibiotics in my portacath. Bloods and cultures taken (cultures I found out are those little germs that grow in science labs that are living in your blood). Don’t know what results look like yet, I imagine a few little Mez creatures roaming around the blood lab in the hospital. I hope they break out and start a colony.

I felt pretty crap, moved to the burns unit as no beds in Haematology ward, and stayed overnight. 5 Dr visits in a few hours had me being moved to the Respiratory ward and a bronchoscopy booked in for Friday morning. Followed by results of that determining the rest. But I knew another night or two would be the immediate diagnosis.

A viral swab taken from through my nose and pushed down my throat, meant I was in isolation until they knew the results. This is to protect everyone coming into the room in case I had some flu virus I’m sharing with all the healthy people around me.

fitness training disasters

April 17^th 2016 - SMH training run disaster

Thinking this was a good idea, I went for a 7km run around darling harbour/circular quay. Looking down at my Garmin I realised I had never run so slow in my entire life. I actually thought of jumping into the harbour and ending it all it was so painful, but I thought that beating cancer, surviving chemotherapy and all the people who die from cancer were way more important than my pace. I kept going, I thought of my #teammez teammates who have signed up to the half marathon and I pushed through.

Just saying…..I paid for it by sleeping ALL afternoon with chills and needed hot soup. I won’t do it again.

April 20^th 2016 – Crying at the Gym

Today I realised with help from husband and my PT trainer that I need to settle down and step back. Im torturing my body enough with chemicals and 2 doses ago I realised that I felt worse than ever and that my time of juggling everything successfully or what I tell myself is successfully, perhaps is over. O V E R. 

I thought perhaps its just autumn chills and fighting colds. My immune system blood results are ok for a chemotherapy patient, but my body feels like it is shutting down, day by day. I feel about 50% ability to function with pain in my muscles and bones, sleep deprivation or at least broken sleep not good rest, and I never nap during the day or outside normal bedtime hours. Something I remember having suggested to me when I need it but didn’t feel any better when I tried, but now I realise with 4 chemo doses to go, I am getting worse.

This morning I cried at the gym after a 10 squat set with my PT Trainer, Sun bless her knows my body so well and has adapted my every session individually so by now she knows my facial expressions and how to get me through one hour and when to do core instead of cardio, or weights instead of boxing, or when to decrease the weight on those damn kettle bells (luckily this morning she removed the kettle bells altogether and I had no weight), she is my angel right now. But this morning even she couldn’t stop the water works. The reason was tension in my body, frustration with not being as capable as ever before, and feeling like I let her down with my decline in fitness. Stupid I realise, but I value fitness so much and besides my husband’s emotional support, Sun has kept me going since January.

That’s not the worst thing I guess that happened, there was a gigantic huntsman on the gym wall that made even my hard-shelled tough javelin throwing South Korean personal trainer couldn’t go near. We both thought death was the only option. I’m talking about the spider of course, although I did contemplate my own after squat number 3, 1 minute into an hour session.

New Letter Present and Chemo session #8 - 4 to go

 15^th April 2016

CHEMOTHERAPY - LETTER E for eReader – Gary bought me a Kindle eReader! LOVE!

Today Britta gave me her special recipe for mayo - a Danish specialty called Remoulade. She has been such an angel through all of this J she is here most days and in Sydney she is a part of a lot of cancer organisations include Can Do and Cancer Institute.

Today the port was much better, not only is it much less painful to touch these days, Paula had gentle hands and I hardly felt it during chemo. The punch going in will never be painless but it’s def not the worst thing I deal with on chemo day. Today I also had the monthly ovary stopping injection, thanks to Kenny frightens the hell out of me but also a blessing so I don’t need to worry about that particular womanly function.

Update from the SMH Half Marathon! 26 confirmed registrations as of 15^th April – I have husband, friends, work colleagues, distance work colleagues and ex work colleagues all registered and what an amazing effort from some friends who rarely run or hate running (not mentioned any names Sez) unless a beer is at the end of it. I’m so proud of everyone. And yes don’t worry there will be beer at the end of it. And I was in the top 10 fund raisers but now am just over the number 10 spot. Instead I’m aiming for finishing because these days my lungs have really started to give me grief.

A nose sore, rash on my neck and lungs that feel like they have packed it in. Walking up and hill and talking at the same time is now something I just forget about, feels like I’m breathing in the coldest of Scottish country air and then they respond by an inadvertent cough to remind me stop trying to do too much. My personal training sessions and now involving a lot of groaning.

It also seems that everyone around me is sick. So I’m using a lot of hand wipes and Dettol. I forget most of the time I have to be more careful – it’s easy to forget it only takes a small germ to cause me issues.

30th March 2016 – Campbell’s arrive

So Gary’s sister and nephew arrived after a break from Kenny’s visit and going to NZ. This was great fun to have visitors, we scheduled all the showers and chores well. I didn’t get too stressed which I thought I would, luckily I didn’t have to do much, they took care of themselves brilliantly. 

A few stressful moments, for all of us but really amazing to share some time with a beautiful women who inspires me. Gary worked too much and had to go away for a few days but other than that everyone was happy.

Lesson for everyone re visitors, set expectations that you can't do everythin for them. Advice given to me...and it works. that way you are not stressed when visitors are around. 

and if you ned alone time or quiet time, just say so. People understand.

I wanted Lesley to stay :-(

6^th April 2016 – Look Good Feel Better Workshop! A MUST do for all women going through treatment!

I dragged Gary’s sister to the LGFB half day workshop, it was at David Jones and I had no idea what to expect but knew it was to do with makeup. Ana was the lead lady who sat us all down in the beautifully laid out room, with your own spot and a huge amount of make up in front of yu and a mirror. Maggie was our test dummy for the day, Ana would do the make up on her and we would all try it step by step. I didn’t expect to learn so much and enjoy/laugh so much.

Maggie was nervous about coming that day, she clearly didn’t feel comfortable having her wig off, but she was beautiful and by the end of the day had come out of her shell. She did great and looked amazing. After that, we received the make up in a bag and were able to take them home as gifts. AMAZING! @lgfbaustralia

14^th April - Arvo off for Spa with Lesley

Started with 2 quick prosecco’s at the Hilton hotel bar, followed by 75 minutes of blissful relaxation which I needed and Lesley needed after a stressful couple of weeks…..well I should say year. Then I took Lesley to my favourite Mexican Mejico and enjoyed a few reds and some amazing taco’s. Obviously these are not Dr’s orders, in fact the opposite but you know what, I have 10 justifications I could give you as to why I’ll always have a few wines the day before.

And after.

And every capable day thereafter.

Can i add, this voucher came from a customer of mine at work. What an amazing gesture! 

New Zealand weekend getaway - Kiwi land! Letter H for Holiday!

CHEMOTHERAPY - LETTER H for Holiday (1^st April 2016)

Easter Break to Kiwi Land! 26^th March – what a perfect trip. We relaxed, I loved beautiful Auckland and we read a book, drank wine and ate some lovely food in between long walks. I couldn’t fly anywhere long so New Zealand was perfect for us.

TIP? Get some good books to escape and relax just a little each day or couple of days.  Today I finished my book. I was reading Girl on a train. It was just perfect when I needed something to do and didn’t have the energy but hated sitting still doing nothing, then a book gave me what I needed, sit wherever you need in the house, at the café, nearby park or balcony as I did, and just read until you are bored of it or have something else to do. It also got me back interested in reading, and reading books that weren’t self-help or having to improve myself in some way. It was pure entertainment! Exactly what you need right now. But not every day, just sometimes.

Chemo Day present! 'T'

CHEMOTHERAPY - LETTER T for SKII (grasping at straws here as its letter T for Bought in Tokyo)

Chemo was starting to feel a bit better, side effect creeping up on me now was huge stomach pains, and abdominal pain, after eating mainly but I had to get buscopan to help settle it down as it was so painful and I didn’t want to eat.

15th March 2016 – The Ryder Arrival!

Something I’ve been looking forward to for weeks is Kenny’s visit to oz. not only is he someone I think is a very good influence on Gary (most of the time) but he is so considerate and one of the nicest people I’ve met. Arriving to a bottle of red naturally, and daily repeats of course gave Gary and myself the escape we needed from all of this. Not only was he awesome to cheer me up and keep me bright and perky but I think he enjoyed it also.

It was a little stressful because I wanted to play host to him and I was still working but I knew it was important to take his visit as a sign to spend quality time with people, and not work my way through the next few months and murder my body even more. It was not making me happy, I knew that.

I was so sad to see Kenny go. 

We left for a weekend trip the same time Kenny was flying back to the UK, so i used the Cancer card with no wraps or wigs on my head so i looked as cancer patient as i possibly could to flag him into the Qantas First Class lounge with me, and it worked! not sure i can use that card too much...but maybe a few extra times will be ok.

Quick Getaway - 11th March weekend with Aunty

One of the nicest getaways you can have is spending a long weekend with my Aunty. They have an amazing place on the south coast, i went swimming in the ocean, which I havent for years plus they had been through my struggle and were able to give me advice, sympothy, uplifting words and i always leave there inspired by my beautiful aunt. 

I need more of this kind of time...

4th March 2016 – Cancer Free!

So yes this is true, and not only will it shock readers after only 2 months but I was blown away! I know I respond well and recover quickly to most things with my body but this was just brilliant. We went out for a beautiful dinner this night at a gorgeous revolving restaurant in Sydney cbd, and celebrated in style.

I've made it this far thanks to Gary, my friends but namely Sarah, and my PT trainer for sure. Sun has gotten me through some rough miserable days where i wanted to stay in bed instead of getting up at 6am and go to the gym.

 

Chemotherapy Presents! A must...

So I asked my dear husband, Gary, if he would cheer me up and buy me a pressie each chemo day, not knowing the lengths he would go to for this! he blew me away with some of the thought he had put into these presents and i needed each and every one of them.

CHEMOTHERAPY - LETTER C for Chocolate

CHEMOTHERAPY - LETTER H for Hat (from Mimco of course)

CHEMOTHERAPY - LETTER E for Endota Spa Voucher

CHEMOTHERAPY - LETTER M for Memories

CHEMOTHERAPY - LETTER O for O Bar and Dining surprise dinner with Gary

8th January - First Chemo and everything that comes with that…

I emailed and phoned crazily on Monday 4^th trying to find out when I could schedule my first chemo in, but they were closed this day. I was frustrated, impatient and slightly depressed.

I was not in denial, I just didn’t understand it was cancer. I felt so healthy, everyone told me I looked great, I had selfie after selfie on FB, I drank, I ran, I did my crazy 1 hour session PT with Sun. I slept but more broken than usual. I had an appetite like a stockman during cattle season.

So first Chemotherapy was 8^th January. 930am, you are weighed, taken to the one of many reclining chairs in the room it’s not sterile, it’s purpose built but I didn’t feel like I was sick. The nurses were incredible and put me to ease immediately. You choose your own chair, I always get the one by the window, and you set up for the hours to come, laptop, phone with music loaded, noise cancelling headphones, socks (super important) and something very comfy to wear, I made a few wardrobe mistakes before realising this was important, and then I decide do I want someone there or do I just want to do this by myself and have some quiet Mez time.

It was not what I expected, it was pretty uneventful, scary to watch the amount of ugly chemicals they are pumping into you but not as bad as I expected. Each ‘chemo day’ is on a Friday, then I go treat myself to a nice grilled fish and glass of wine somewhere nice in Sydney and then go home to relax. This makes my day feel like there is something I’ve done for myself also. You start to feel pretty rubbish and mouth starts to turn pretty much during chemo.

I finally moved to the Porta Cath from using my arm veins in 25^th February. I tried but the arm pain was way too high. I admitted myself to emergency room and underwent a full day of scans and checks and none of the Dr’s could tell me what it was and really all I wanted were strong painkillers so I could survive the day, but I visited Dr Arthur (my haematologist) the following day and he said we should move to the Port in the chest and well done for trying.

The next 2 weeks went like this every time pretty much the same…

·       Mouth taste starts going on chemo day

·       Day 2 – Tired, mouth getting worse and food not quite right that evening

·       Day 3 – mouth starts to get a little bit sore on the side of your tongue and you know what’s coming

·       Day 4 – liquids pretty much, custard, custard, soups but not too hot, shakes with fruit in them blended, protein shakes, vegetables and minced meat with gravy was a great one I had completely blended of course. Coffee is gross. (that sucked for a caffeine addict like myself)

·       Day 5 – body getting quiet tired, mouth still sore and slowly gets worse, talking very exhausting

·       Day 6 – pretty exhausted, miserable feeling – I ended up taking this day off every time so I could break up the week

·       Day 7 – Feeling slowly better with the mouth, but your body starts to ache now

·       Day 8 – aching body still

·       Day 9/10 – for me this is the following weekend, so sat and sun I would be fairly good and back on red wine so I would socialise now if I could but not all day. Its too tiring.

·       Day 11 – 14 – Feeling remnants of sore body and fatigue but nothing major, however this was my early on experience, later on I would get more tired so I had not set expectations with myself or those around me very well as I didn’t have much of a clue what was to come.

·       Day 15 – Chemo Day!

TIP? Take vitamin B tablets, helps with energy and sore mouth ulcers, rinse mouth out with bicarb soda, mouth wash with no alcohol, eat something yummy the night before and day of chemo day, it made me feel better, so if you are a foodie – this is a great way to feel good while you can. 

I lost 5 kg since I started treatment, days of sore mouth meant I lost kg’s instantly.

Hair...what is it good for?

Hair and all that jazz…

I cut my hair on 29^th December. Went to a bob, which I instantly loved and wish I had done it months ago. I immediately vowed I would NOT wear scarves and look like I have cancer.

I finally shaved my head on Monday 25^th January. Australia Day! We went over to friends place for this event. I was nervous only at what I would look like. The hair began falling out after the 2^nd treatment and then by the 3^rd I would run my fingers through my hair and it will come out in chunks, I could have managed a little longer, but it was not fun pulling it out or having it run down your legs in the shower, so TIP? Just shave it immediately. I easily get ready to leave the house in 3 minutes. It’s so refreshing and time saving. And you know what, the looks is pretty good with a pop of lippy colouring. Also, I had sooo many comments about how good I look, this made me feel really good.

Get your make up process sorted, buy products where it doesn’t take you long to get ready and you bring out your best features. Accessorize as MUCH as you can, big earings, cool sunnies (I bought some mimco awesome sunnies) and a few extra dangling earings to make the look work. And of course RED lips.