April 17th 2016 - SMH training run disaster
Thinking this was a good idea, I went for a 7km run around darling harbour/circular quay. Looking down at my Garmin I realised I had never run so slow in my entire life. I actually thought of jumping into the harbour and ending it all it was so painful, but I thought that beating cancer, surviving chemotherapy and all the people who die from cancer were way more important than my pace. I kept going, I thought of my #teammez teammates who have signed up to the half marathon and I pushed through.
Just saying…..I paid for it by sleeping ALL afternoon with chills and needed hot soup. I won’t do it again.
April 20th 2016 – Crying at the Gym
Today I realised with help from husband and my PT trainer that I need to settle down and step back. Im torturing my body enough with chemicals and 2 doses ago I realised that I felt worse than ever and that my time of juggling everything successfully or what I tell myself is successfully, perhaps is over. O V E R.
I thought perhaps its just autumn chills and fighting colds. My immune system blood results are ok for a chemotherapy patient, but my body feels like it is shutting down, day by day. I feel about 50% ability to function with pain in my muscles and bones, sleep deprivation or at least broken sleep not good rest, and I never nap during the day or outside normal bedtime hours. Something I remember having suggested to me when I need it but didn’t feel any better when I tried, but now I realise with 4 chemo doses to go, I am getting worse.
This morning I cried at the gym after a 10 squat set with my PT Trainer, Sun bless her knows my body so well and has adapted my every session individually so by now she knows my facial expressions and how to get me through one hour and when to do core instead of cardio, or weights instead of boxing, or when to decrease the weight on those damn kettle bells (luckily this morning she removed the kettle bells altogether and I had no weight), she is my angel right now. But this morning even she couldn’t stop the water works. The reason was tension in my body, frustration with not being as capable as ever before, and feeling like I let her down with my decline in fitness. Stupid I realise, but I value fitness so much and besides my husband’s emotional support, Sun has kept me going since January.
That’s not the worst thing I guess that happened, there was a gigantic huntsman on the gym wall that made even my hard-shelled tough javelin throwing South Korean personal trainer couldn’t go near. We both thought death was the only option. I’m talking about the spider of course, although I did contemplate my own after squat number 3, 1 minute into an hour session.