April 17th 2016 - SMH training run disaster
Thinking this was a good idea, I went for a 7km run around darling
harbour/circular quay. Looking down at my Garmin I realised I had never run so
slow in my entire life. I actually thought of jumping into the harbour and
ending it all it was so painful, but I thought that beating cancer, surviving
chemotherapy and all the people who die from cancer were way more important than
my pace. I kept going, I thought of my #teammez teammates who have signed up to
the half marathon and I pushed through.
Just saying…..I paid for it by sleeping ALL
afternoon with chills and needed hot soup. I won’t do it again.
April 20th 2016 – Crying at the Gym
Today I realised with help from husband and my PT trainer that I need to
settle down and step back. Im torturing my body enough with chemicals and 2
doses ago I realised that I felt worse than ever and that my time of juggling
everything successfully or what I tell myself is successfully, perhaps is over.
O V E R.
I thought perhaps its just autumn chills and fighting colds. My immune
system blood results are ok for a chemotherapy patient, but my body feels like
it is shutting down, day by day. I feel about 50% ability to function with pain
in my muscles and bones, sleep deprivation or at least broken sleep not good
rest, and I never nap during the day or outside normal bedtime hours. Something
I remember having suggested to me when I need it but didn’t feel any better
when I tried, but now I realise with 4 chemo doses to go, I am getting worse.
This morning I cried at the gym after a 10 squat set with my PT Trainer,
Sun bless her knows my body so well and has adapted my every session
individually so by now she knows my facial expressions and how to get me
through one hour and when to do core instead of cardio, or weights instead of
boxing, or when to decrease the weight on those damn kettle bells (luckily this
morning she removed the kettle bells altogether and I had no weight), she is my
angel right now. But this morning even she couldn’t stop the water works. The
reason was tension in my body, frustration with not being as capable as ever
before, and feeling like I let her down with my decline in fitness. Stupid I
realise, but I value fitness so much and besides my husband’s emotional
support, Sun has kept me going since January.
That’s not the worst thing I guess that happened, there was a gigantic
huntsman on the gym wall that made even my hard-shelled tough javelin throwing
South Korean personal trainer couldn’t go near. We both thought death was the
only option. I’m talking about the spider of course, although I did contemplate
my own after squat number 3, 1 minute into an hour session.
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