Wednesday, May 18, 2016

I’m NOT so strong…18May16

Hey all, so this week I was back at Chemo (Friday afternoon) and instantly I remembered how much I hated it. I had 4 weeks break since the previous chemo session and I was feeling so human and upbeat and energised. Especially having toned down the exercise and working less hours or I should say normal hours. So as soon as I had one chemical going in, I felt the difference, the taste that makes you want to vomit or just feel ill. It happens pretty much instantly, which I still can’t get over. Considering the first thing they give you is a pill for nausea.

So I’m mentally struggling this week, for some reason the sore tongue and jaw and mouth is back. Something I thought was a thing of the past since the Bleo chemical had been dropped, but its back with thrush also, YAY for me, what a horrible word, but the nurse has given me some mouthwash and drops for it – for a week I thought my tongue was black from a glass of red wine I had, but apparently not. The mouth pain is not severe, just enough to feel miserable. Monday at work was pretty tough, I popped my headphones in and sat somewhere different to not be distracted so badly. I sent an email to my teammates saying, sorry I don’t feel well pls excuse my quietness. I dragged my arse into the office but wish I had stayed at home instantly. The walk over there at least was something.

Being positive is a struggle right now, well actually that’s kind of ok, it’s the constant comments I’m getting from people that ‘you look so well and healthy’ or ‘you must be finished treatment by now’ and 'it must be getting easier' or my favourite ‘you are so strong’. I feel now that I’m getting to the end in sight that I have to continue the façade of pretending i'm feeling good, and looking good with makeup and a wig and drawing on eyebrows. I actually feel the need to prove to people it hurts and I’m not better yet but then I try to snap myself out of that. I think I’m just over it. But I like to think I am an inspiration….to be honest everyone else around me is inspiring, I don’t see myself that way, but I do understand what they mean. I try to.

As you can tell, I’m getting frustrated since my latest chemo, I don’t want to be social and I don’t want to have to tell people how I’m going this late in the game. So I’m avoiding the conversation.
Reading this back it is so negative, but needs to come out. I am over body is aching today which is again something i had forgotten since a month ago, I had today as unpaid leave as my usual 2nd Wednesday and went for a massive couple hour walk around Sydney harbour and domain and Barangaroo. Such sore legs now. Gary has gone away for work and all i'd like to do is have a glass of Shiraz and sit and relax but wine tastes like crap and food isn't much better. I wouldn't waste my money on good food right now. 

BUT IT'S NOT ALL DOOM AND GLOOM – if you look at the amazing Facebook posts I’ve put up on Sunday I have something to pep myself up with. I have the negative over and done with, I feel better. Now let’s move onto the best part of the last week!

21 people ran in the Sydney SMH Half Marathon on Sunday in my honour! That is amazing J I could NOT stop smiling all Sunday. Plus Dad and Wendy stayed for it in support which was super fun. I was exhausted from all the people interaction and got a little tired and cranky a few times but absolutely loved the weekend.

Everyone who ran did brilliant times, they enjoyed themselves and we crashed the Irish pub afterwards with a few ciders and sweaty armpits. I had people from Melbourne fly up for it, Wollongong and all over Sydney.  The support was a little confronting and overwhelming – I actually feel really guilty about their efforts and the amount of people who have donated. I feel like the hashtag is self-indulgent and that I shouldn’t be making such a big deal about all of this. Considering so many people go through it or have.

My father is amazing, he couldn’t be more supportive and aware of my needs right now. Wendy has been great sending me messages and supporting dad. We had lunch with Wendy’s son and his girlfriend and family, which was great fun on Saturday, and they were lovely to hang out with.
The only other news is my digestive system completely packed it in over the weekend and I was in the most uncomfortable bloated discomfort ever. It has gone from one extreme to the other with antibiotics and then back onto chemotherapy.

Coloxyl and Senna are currently my best friends!

Some pics below to show you my week in pictures. 

the joys of having
chemo induced thrush

sore tongue

this is my current daily food
consumption due to sore mouth
the awesome gals who ran for
#teammez from work distributer #LOVE
the team from work and friends WOW
my #teammez sexy ladies!

new jumper ordered in from US,
so comfy and ready for winter 

this is my current antibiotic -
lovely yellow liquid 2 times
a day after eating. Tastes amazing! NOT

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